LOOKING FEAR IN THE EYE
Photo by Bacila Vlad via Unsplash.
In last week’s article about redefining your relationship with fear, we talked about handling it by “getting down on its level, looking it in the eye and telling it kindly, but firmly, ‘Thank you for looking out for me. But it’s okay, I want this. And I’ll take it from here.’”
Learning to become the master of your fears rather than the other way round can be a tough process. It involves confronting your fears head-on, which can be uncomfortable and so much harder than just avoiding or denying the problem. But in the long run, it’s so worth it — because whenever you take the time to acknowledge, accept and understand your fear, it loses some of its power. Eventually, through patience, perseverance and commitment, you may find it’s lost its hold on you altogether. But in order to get to that place of freedom, you have to take the first step.
So, what does confronting your fears look like in practice? In most cases, this can be broken down into three steps:
Identify
The first step to getting over any fear is to identify what that fear is in the first place. Are we avoiding taking the first step towards our goal because we’re afraid of failure, or success? Are we distancing ourselves from the people who care about us because we’re afraid of love, or loss? Are we holding ourselves back from living a full life because we’re afraid of living, or dying?
Acknowledge and accept
Once you’ve identified your fear, you then have to acknowledge it — and this is the part most people find difficult. Acknowledging that you’re afraid can be a matter of pride for some people; for others, it can be hard to recognise seemingly harmless things like procrastination or mindless busyness as being rooted in fear. But only once you’ve acknowledged and accepted the presence of fear in your life can you begin to do something about it — you can’t solve a problem while denying that it exists in the first place. Accepting that you’re afraid doesn’t mean surrendering control to it; it just means that you can understand it for what it is, and deal with it accordingly.
Take action
Having both identified and accepted your fear, you can now start to think about how best to handle it. The specific actions you take will vary based on your personality, your relationship to the source of your fear and other factors. Only you can decide what to do about your fear, but we’re going to give you some examples of what these steps might look like in practice so you have an idea on where to start.
FEAR OF FAILURE
This is a big one, made no less significant by the fact that it’s so common. The fear of failure often stems from having accomplished something or developed a reputation for being good at something in the past. When faced with an opportunity to try something new or step outside our comfort zone, we retreat because it’s unfamiliar territory, and we don’t know whether we’ll be able to achieve the same level of success we’re accustomed to in this new situation. This gets amplified when the opportunity we’re presented with is significant to us.
So, how do we handle it?
Identify
A fear of failure may manifest itself as:
That instinctive “no” when presented with an opportunity to go for something you really want. You can’t fail at it if you never even start, right?
Making excuses not to start a project you’re excited about — no money, no time, not enough experience, not enough skill, not enough knowledge, too many other responsibilities, etc.
Procrastination. This is a big one — many of us often put off starting something that means a lot to us because we’re afraid that it won’t turn out as well as we want it to.
Excessive preparation. Preparing for opportunities is good practice; but overpreparing can lead to analysis paralysis and end up stifling you.
Perfectionism. Ironically, this was often considered a positive trait just a short time ago, but we are now coming to understand that it can actually cripple your growth and prevent you from trying new things. Striving for improvement is constructive — striving for perfection is not.
Acknowledge and accept
Now that you’ve identified this fear, it’s time to get down on its level and speak to it. Question it — why is it there? What is it trying to protect you from? Were you embarrassed in the past for failing to achieve something you were aiming for, perhaps, or taught that failure is something shameful? Whatever the answer you come to, accept it. Embrace it wholeheartedly for what it is. It’s important that you do so, because only then can you figure out your next step.
Take action
With this new understanding of where your fear of failure stems from, it’s time to take action and put it to rest. When it comes to getting over a fear of failure, often the only way to do so is to just do the thing. Accept that it might not work out, and forgive yourself for that possibility in advance. If that happens, receive the lessons learned from the experience with an open mind and heart. But also, accept that it could go really well — that you could end up achieving everything you wanted and more. Both possibilities exist, and there’s only one way to find out which one of them will come to pass. I think it’s also very important to acknowledge that failure is always part and parcel of learning — the lessons and wisdom gained from experience are far more impactful than secondhand information, and failure is an integral part of that process. Yes, failure might be scary sometimes — but almost all the best teachers are, because they’re the ones that are gonna push you out of your comfort zone.
FEAR OF SUCCESS
On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have the fear of success. It sounds bizarre — why would anyone be afraid of success? But as it turns out, it’s actually quite common. This could be for a number of reasons, one of them being the classic, “Once you’re at the top, the only way is down, and that’s a long way to fall.” Then there’s also the other classic, “You never know who to trust when you’re successful/rich/famous/etc.” Though most of us dedicate our lives to pursuing success, we’re also exposed to so many negative narratives surrounding it, and that can plant some really ridiculous, unconscious fears in us.
Identify
Identifying the fear of success can be tricky, because sometimes it looks a lot like a fear of failure — all the points mentioned above could be ways to avoid success as much as failure. It can also look like:
Self-sabotage. We already know what we have to do to give ourselves the best chance of success, but for some reason we just don’t do it. We know waking up early makes us feel good, but we still go to bed late; we know we’ll feel amazing after that workout, yet we still choose to eat ice cream instead; we know it would be so much more fulfilling to do something creative, but we hit “next episode” on Netflix anyway.
Excessive humility. Even when someone tells us to our face that we’re skilled, talented, good at what we do, beautiful, a great person, etc., we deflect it with a, “No, I’m not, really.” (Why?? This achieves literally nothing!)
Acknowledge and accept
Having identified the fear of success in your own life, ask some questions of it to understand it better. Where does it come from? Were you taught that being humble is a virtue, to the point that the need to be humble overshadowed the desire to be great? Does your sense of identity not match up to your definition of success? Have you been a victim to tall poppy syndrome, and gotten cut down by your peers or the people around you for shining a little too bright, or being a little too different? Has a person or situation in your life led you to believe that you are for some reason not worthy of success? Understand it, and accept it for what it is — no shame, no judgment. Just acceptance.
Take action
Now that you know what your fear of success is rooted in, and how it has sprouted up in your life, you can begin to do something about it. Address the root of the problem: understand that humility and success are not mutually exclusive; redefine your sense of identity to match your vision of success, or redefine your idea of success to align with your most authentic self; believe that you are worthy of success, and behave in a way that reflects that. And then, with that new sense of self-belief, address the behaviours and habits that are getting in between you and success: go to bed on time; do the workout; create something; make the phone call; accept the compliment; go for everything you want and more.
FEAR OF NOT LIVING
This fear is a big part of why BRAZEN Magazine even exists — because I (hey, it’s me, Shanita) have this big fear that one day I’ll look back on my life and realise that I didn’t really do anything worthwhile with it — that I spent years of my life doing nothing much, really; that I didn’t forge strong connections with the people that matter to me; that I didn’t leave the world a little more beautiful in my wake. It’s a dilemma most of us come up against at some point in our lives, where we find ourselves questioning the path we’re on, where we’ve been and where we’re headed. The earlier we learn to make peace with this fear, the better — because it can become the key that helps us unlock our full potential.
Identify
Identifying the fear of not living is relatively easy. It can show up as:
A sense of restlessness or dissatisfaction.
A sense of anxiety, sadness or depression.
A feeling of emptiness or lack of meaning.
Sometimes this fear can even manifest itself as anger or resentment — towards yourself, society or the world.
No matter what the symptom, the root of it lies in the sense that there’s more to life than what you’re currently doing or experiencing, or that you have more to offer than what you’re currently offering.
Acknowledge and accept
If you’ve identified yourself as someone who’s afraid of not living while you’re alive, take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. There are so many of us out there who just know that there is something more to life than the daily grind, and are feeling the exact same way you do. As counterintuitive as it sounds, take a moment to be grateful to your feelings of anxiety, restlessness and emptiness — because they are not you, merely symptoms indicating that you’re not being you. Don’t run away from those feelings, just this once. Recognise them as warning signs that you’re diverging too far from your path. Accept them, acknowledge that they’re there… and take action to let them know their services will no longer be necessary.
Now, before we move on to the next step, there’s one more thing you need to accept, besides your fear of not living — and that’s yourself. Acknowledge and accept yourself for who you are — your interests, your character, your strengths, your weaknesses, your roots, your dreams, your priorities, your values. If you’re not familiar with them, accept that about yourself, too.
Take action
Now that we’ve accepted both our fear and ourselves, it’s time to take some action. Dealing with this fear requires us to know ourselves fairly well. If, at the end of the previous step, you found that you weren’t familiar with all the ins and outs that make you you, that’s the first thing for you to do — go and get to know yourself. Figure out what makes you tick, what gets you going, what you’re not willing to spend time on, who and what inspires you. Take the time to understand yourself.
Once you’ve done that, take a look at all the ways the life you’re living now doesn’t match up to who you are inside — maybe you love music, but don’t spend enough time listening to or playing it. Maybe you love your family very much, but don’t spend enough time with them due to other obligations. Whatever discrepancies you find between who you are at your core and the way you express yourself outwardly, figure out how to close that gap. Prioritise your chosen priorities; choose your values wisely, and make every decision from now on based on those values. In my experience, this is the best way I’ve found so far to live authentically; this is how I hope to live a life I can look back on and be proud of; this is how I hope to begin to shape the legacy I will someday leave behind.
I hope that these examples give you a clear enough starting point to get over any fears you currently struggle with. Life is too short to be spent in fear — so, are you going to take it from here?
If you try this experiment, share your experience with us! Write to us and let us know how it went, or tag us on Instagram @brazen.mag with the hashtag #brazenexperiments. Good luck!
