FEAR AND CHANGE
Written by Chloe Sim. Images via Unsplash.
Photo by Scott Webb.
It's uncomfortable, it's raw, it leads us down paths we wouldn’t dare traverse. But that's why change is good. It’s freeing. It lets us recognize the limits of humanity, the limits of our abilities, the limits of our control. Sometimes it brings to light the things we want to keep hidden. The things we don’t want to acknowledge.
The Black Lives Matter movement has been so powerful because it has forced us to acknowledge issues like racism that have for so long been ignored, brushed aside to be ‘dealt with later’. It is precisely this mentality that has led to the state of the world today, with protests and riots, discontent and dissociation. It is incredibly painful to watch and acknowledge that the world we live in has resorted to this, yet I can’t help but feel optimistic that this is the change we need to see in the world — to quote Gandhi. The BLM movement has worked because it has forced a new narrative into the scene, one in which diversity is celebrated and where colour is beautiful.
Hollywood and popular media feed the world a skewed reality, and if it takes mass protests and a societal restructure to change it, I’m all for it. For too long we have empowered the wrong people, the wrong things. The uncomfortable conversations mean that a more inclusive and loving society is imminent.
Photo by Edwin Hooper.
I wondered how this change took off so quickly. Maybe everyone was just so fed up with being discriminated against and having their abilities and traits forced upon them because of the colour of their skin. Or being passed over for jobs or housing placements. Maybe it isn’t just about being so sure of yourself and your identity that you decide to make a bold step and rewrite your story. Maybe it is the desire to love ourselves and the people around us that little bit better.
I had the privilege of attending a very safe, very wholesome BLM protest in Canberra, Australia in early June. I went in thinking that since I was neither Black nor Indigenous, I was merely attending in a show of support, not realizing how much race was an issue for me too. I watched as my Nigerian-Australian friend spoke to the crowd about how she refused to be ashamed for the things she used to be ashamed of — the colour of her skin, the comments about how good her English was, or the fact that her parents were immigrants. She was proud, she was brave, she was fed-up of pretending as though this marginalization wasn’t happening.
Photo by Jakayla Toney.
I couldn’t help thinking about the aspects of myself — my values, and my existence as a young Asian woman in a Western country, and the shame I too carried. It bothered me — the fact that people were marching, shouting, making themselves heard, reclaiming parts of themselves that had been lost, disregarded, trodden down. I know that in the past I had shoved aside so many emotions and little microaggressions because at the end of the day I was ‘okay’. But ‘okay’ just isn’t good enough.
At a dinner party, I got asked by a friend if I saw myself as White. I interpreted this as someone seeing my identity purely by the colour of my skin. That simple remark made me wonder how I felt about the way I identified, and if I would change anything about myself. I was conflicted because on the one hand I felt so at home with Australia and its people, with the knowledge that I was more free to express myself and rebuild my life with no judgement or prejudice, yet I knew that this was not the land of my birth. My blood and soul yearned for the familiar faces, familiar skin, sounds, smells of hawker centre noodles, of curry seeping into banana leaf rice, of the chatter of Chinese aunties around a long table.
Photo by Markus Winkler.
I had to redefine what home was to me. I came to the conclusion that I didn’t have to feel so lost because in all the countries I’ve lived in and among all the wonderful things I’ve experienced thus far, it has been the people around me that have provided so much love and support. They are home to me. I feel safe knowing I am home no matter where I go. I remember feeling nervous/excited every time I travelled or moved, wondering if I would ‘fit-in’. I feared change. It’s one of those things you look back on and laugh about, and wonder why you were so afraid in the first place.
If change were to have a movie-like arch-nemesis I think it would be fear. The iron grip of past memories that creep up slowly, and without even noticing it, one day you’re stuck, tied-down, unable to move, caught in its grasp. It’s a horrible feeling, even worse when you begin to recognise it for what it is.
I have spent too long in the grips of fear, choosing to play it safe and reluctant to venture out of my comfort zone. For too long I worried about making the wrong choices or being put into uncomfortable situations. It took months of travel, of moving cities and experiencing a global pandemic for me to fall in love with change. To take it in and get to know it better. It’s like meeting someone on Tinder for the first time, slowly realizing they’re not a total creep and that you can have fun with them, and then saying yes to a second date. It isn’t instant, which is what makes the whole process so beautiful. If I had to give advice to my 13-year-old self, it would be to get comfortable with change, to love it, to hold hands with it and run into the fading sunset with it. I never realized how much power I had until I started getting comfortable with change. I now know that we get to choose the stories we want to tell and experience. I can’t think of anything more empowering than that.
Photo by Bram.
The fluidity of identity and belonging will always be constant. They say change is the only constant. With all the activism happening, there has been more awareness of the power of the individual. As someone who shies away from confrontation and tends to let controversial matters slide, it has been so refreshing to no longer feel ashamed for having an opinion or correcting people for their ignorant comments. I can only hope that although the world seems messy right now, we can all look back on this in the future and have a good laugh.
