ASKING FOR LOVE
Written by Shanita Lyn. Images via Unsplash.
Photo by Wyron A.
I love asking questions. And as a friend told me once, I have a knack for asking pretty good ones. I like getting people to think about things in ways they’ve never considered before, and maybe learn something new about themselves in the process. Getting to know and understand another human being is one of my favourite things about running this magazine — sitting down with people, connecting with them, asking them about what they love, watching the way their eyes light up when they’re talking about something they’re passionate about. It’s a blessing and a gift, and I love my job all the more because of it.
One day, it occurred to me that I’d never sat down and answered my own questions. As the person who’s usually doing the asking, I’d never been asked the things I was so curious to know about other people. I’d never had reason to be consciously curious about myself.
This realisation got me pretty excited, so I arranged a little interview with myself (fortunately, another thing I have a knack for is losing myself in vivid daydreams). I sat down, stared off into space, and imagined I was being interviewed on the radio about BRAZEN, and that the radio host was fascinated by my work and the person behind it, and wanted to ask me some of my own favourite questions to understand my thinking a little better. In the playground of my own mind, I answered, What makes you want to get out of bed in the morning? Who inspires you? Who inspires you to be better? What’s your idea of the fullest version of yourself? When do you feel truly alive? Asking myself these questions and really thinking about the answers (and physically acting out my responses, haha), gave me a whole different understanding of what’s important to me and what really motivates me to excel in everything I do.
Photo by Tachina Lee.
Doing this simple exercise gave me so much clarity. It made me more aware of aspects of myself I’d only had a vague idea about before, and with this awareness came a newfound respect and appreciation for life. It made my priorities very clear to me, and made me realise that when it comes down to it, there are some things I will never compromise on. There are some things that I will always come back to, when all’s been said and done. These things are the core principles that my life is built on, and everything else can revolve around them. Suddenly, it was like my entire life shifted into sharp focus, and all the blurry bits — worries, uncertainties, stress, frustration, confusion — were suddenly nonexistent. If this is what the power of knowing thyself feels like, all I can ask is, “Why didn’t I answer these questions sooner?”
In fact, the reason I include all these questions and interviews and experiments in every issue of BRAZEN is because I want you, the reader, to take the time to get curious about your own identity, your own opinions, your own place in the world. What drives you? What’s holding you back? What are you curious about? What scares you? What would you risk anything for? At a glance, they may seem like fortune cookie kinda questions, but taking the time to answer them — really answer them — can teach you so much about yourself. It’s a hell of a lot easier to breeze through life without really thinking about these things — just do what you’re supposed to do, what your parents tell you to do, what’s responsible, what’s safe. But as the past few months have taught us, nothing is really safe and certain anymore. Generations-old systems can collapse in the blink of an eye, and we’re all realising how foolish it is to place our fate in the hands of man-made establishments. We’re all vulnerable, however much we’d like to convince ourselves to the contrary. The sooner we embrace that simple fact of life, the sooner we can begin to build true strength.
Photo by Alexandra.
But what is true strength, exactly?
One of the items I’ve had on my bucket list for the longest time was to try the “36 Questions that Lead to Love” experiment which went viral in the New York Times a few years ago. And recently, I had the opportunity to do so. Without going into too much detail, it was without a doubt one of the most significant experiences I’ve ever had. To see and be seen, to hear and be heard on that level was fucking intense, and absolutely beautiful. To the point that specifics of what was said become a little hazy, in the greater context of the emotions that were shared. I’m reminded of a Maya Angelou quote which hit me hard the first time I heard it, but makes even more sense now: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
And that’s really it, isn’t it? We all want to feel seen, and heard, and understood, and safe. We all want to belong somewhere, with someone, or within a community. Being curious about someone and taking an interest in understanding them gives them that sense of safety and belonging, of being home. Having someone take that much of an interest in you is enough to move you to tears. Because connection is the foundation of the human experience. You can build careers, dreams and empires on it, but not without it — you could try, but look what happens to families, friends, lovers, communities, nations that don’t support each other, that don’t take the time to understand each other. When connection is sparse, the foundation erodes, and mighty kingdoms collapse under their own weight.
Photo by Clément ROY.
Connection, then, is where I believe our true strength lies. No man is an island — we’ve heard it a hundred times, and yet society places so much importance on being independent and self-sufficient and being able to do everything yourself. I agree that you need to be able to look after yourself, but I don’t believe that you can’t ask for help when you need it. I don’t believe people are wired to exist alone. I don’t believe you have to travel every road yourself, even if you can — sometimes it’s just more fun to have people you care about along for the ride. I think when it comes down to it, we all want something or someone to love and be loved by. Whether that’s a partner, child, family, community, pet, plant, profession, hobby… we all crave that connection to something bigger than us. To know that we are not alone — that we are part of a greater whole.
I think, when you’ve asked enough questions to enough people, you begin to realise that in their heart of hearts, everyone wants the same thing. It’s less obvious in the day-to-day, as we get caught up in making money and making something of ourselves and saving the world. But when something goes wrong — when someone you love ends up in the hospital for some reason, when someone dear to you loses their job, when someone close to you is in any sort of trouble — everything else stops. The world could go up in flames, for all you care, but right at this moment someone you care about needs you, and you would do anything, anything, for them. You would find a way to come home if you were abroad, you would find a way to come up with the money they need, you would find a way to move a damn mountain if it meant that they would be okay. And it’s in those moments, in those little pockets of clarity you get within the chaos that you realise, this is it. This is what actually matters.
Maybe it’s naive of me, to think that love is what makes the world go round. To choose, when push comes to shove, the people that I love over security or responsibility. But maybe it’s also worthwhile to remember — what are you making all this money for? What are you making something of yourself for? What are you saving the world for? Or perhaps the more apt question would be — who? Who are you striving to be all these wonderful things for? Who would you drop everything to be with, without a second thought, if they needed you? Yourself? Your parents? Your siblings, partner, children, friends, cousins, grandparents, community? Though the specifics may vary from person to person, the answer is the same. Because what do we do anything for, if not for love?
Photo by Rod Long.
Ask and you shall receive
These days, I’ve made asking people questions an integral part of my daily life, and that includes myself. Some of them are simple — I ask myself how I’m feeling in the morning, and what energy I want to carry into the day; I ask my sister what time she went to bed last night; I ask my parents if they slept well; I ask my grandmother if she enjoyed her breakfast, and what she would like next time. Some of them are a little more insightful — I ask friends how they’re doing, if they’re free to catch up sometime this week to talk about what’s going on in their lives; I ask questions about how to run my magazine better, how to develop my skills in different areas and how to be a better person; I ask my family and friends, quite regularly, about their opinions and perspectives on different topics to better understand the people I care about. Injecting a healthy dose of curiosity into my life has done nothing but benefit me, and strengthen my relationships with the people in it.
What I’ve learnt from all of this is — it isn’t hard to give and receive love. Being curious enough about each other to ask questions and listen to the answers is key to creating strong connections with the people that matter to you (or people you don’t know yet). Taking the time to do the same with yourself and learn more about what fills you up is key to loving and looking after yourself. And being happy and loving towards yourself, means you have a greater capacity to be happy and loving towards others, too. It’s a win-win situation, really.
So ask more questions. Take the time to think about your answers, and listen when others share theirs. Build stronger connections, lay stronger foundations. And remember that there aren’t just 36 questions that lead to love — any question can, really. All that matters is that you ask it.
B.
Photo by Jon Tyson.
